This week, we sat down with Ellie Next Door to talk about asexuality and the differences between various types of attraction. We also talk about her work as a phone sex operator, as well as the connections between different “families” of kinks.
Introduction to Asexuality and Kink
Of course, we began by asking Ellie about her Radioactive Spider Bite into Kink. Her interest in kink began when she first grew interested in sex. She felt nervous about watching porn at first, so she would read Harry Potter fetish fanfiction. There weren’t any fetishes in particular that she felt more drawn to, but she knew that she wasn’t very interested in vanilla sex. She explains that when she was younger, porn was mostly an intellectual pursuit, which relates to her asexuality.
Asexuality and Identity
Dick talks about how he recently has identified more with being on the asexual spectrum, which makes sense because ever since he was a kid, he’s thought more about fetish-related things, while people he went to school with were interested in things more traditionally regarded as sexy. Ellie relates to this, and adds that for her, she’s not necessarily attracted to people, but rather the scenario and setting that sex takes place in that she finds hot.
They go into a brief discussion of sexuality, and how Gwen never understood why Dick identifies as straight even though a lot of the sexy media he consumes consists of two men doing things—for example, Dick is turned on by Will Graham and Hannibal in the Hannibal TV show, and the ball-busting scene in Casino Royale. This relates to Ellie’s point that he’s not attracted to the fact that the scenes take place between two men, but more so the situation and kinks that are being played with.
Various Types of Attraction
We also discuss various types of attraction, such as sexual versus aesthetic attraction. For example, Ellie is aesthetically attracted to the male body and appreciates its beauty, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that she wants to think about them naked, or have sex with men. Additionally, we discuss how romantic and sexual attraction are often conflated. For example, it took max a long time to accept that he was bisexual, because he’s not bi-romantic. There are also different levels of relationships, such as how people tend to feel differently about their partner(s) as opposed to a random person on the street that they find attractive.
Asexuality as a Sex Worker
Next, Ellie goes into what it’s like to be an asexual sex worker. She explains that as a sex worker, your sexuality isn’t always relevant. Just as a Starbucks worker probably isn’t turned on by making you a coffee, it’s not necessary for a sex worker to be turned on by their content, or even for them to be a sexual person whatsoever. Max references episode 042, in which Dakota Charms explains that as a fetish model, she’s not actually interested in fetish whatsoever.
Ellie used to be a full-time cam model, but due to the pandemic saturating the market, she decided to take a break from that to focus on OnlyFans and phone sex work. She’s discovered that she’s really passionate about phone sex, and it allows her to observe and learn a ton about her clients’ kinks and fetishes.
“Families” of Kinks and Fetishes
Something she’s observed is what she calls a “kink web,” where if someone is into something, it’s highly likely that they’ll be into kinks/fetishes within the same family. For example, she’s found that if a client is submissive, it’s likely that they’ll enjoy being degraded a bit, which might lead to humiliation, which might lead to small penis humiliation, which might lead to chastity, which might lead to cuckolding. Through observing these “webs,” she’s been able to better serve phone sex clients who have trouble opening up to her about their interests.
Gwen talks about how after she first talked with Ellie about this concept, Gwen thought she didn’t have a discernable web, but after talking about it with Dick, she realized the lines between her kinks are more clear than she thought. We talk about how this concept is often visually represented through online tools, such as the kink map which has different areas of land for different families of kinks.
Finally, Ellie answers our listeners’ burning questions about the best ways to reach out to a sex worker, how to do sex work in rural areas, and how to negotiate scenes as an asexual person.
Related Information
Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed this one, you’d probably like episodes 258, 185, and 042.
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