By guest blogger Living Curious
After being separated for 8 months, my divorce was finalized in April. I’m now rolling up on a year since my ex-wife split. I met a partner and for a few months we had a fast and furious fling, but that flamed out pretty quickly. She was a wonderful person, but we decided it was the right time to move on.
Don’t worry, I’m actually happy right now and I’m looking forward to being single for a while. For the first time in over a decade, I am single and I actually want to be. My therapist assures me that this is a good thing.
But now I realize that I don’t actually know how to be kinky…by myself. Like, what activities am I supposed to do? I tried a few things to see if they’d work.
I’m into chastity, like, a lot. I thought, “I’ll be damned if I can’t figure out how to fully enjoy my main kink while single!”
Ok, so I guess I’m damned. Next.
As I talked to the crew about on Episode 142, I’m a diaper lover. With a partner I can make diapers wicked kinky, but alone it’s really more of a fetish and some other time we can dissect the differences. Sitting here writing this in a diaper makes me happy because I’m a fetishist, but it doesn’t really feel kinky to me in the way getting caned or whipped does.
But now there’s no one there to tie me up and beat me. I know I could tie myself up, but self-bondage is a topic for a different blog post. There’s no one there now to give pleasure to or serve. And I don’t want anyone to be there. But I still want to be kinky.
That’s the question, really, isn’t it? What does it mean to be kinky? I know how to do kinky things and I know where to go to find play partners with whom to do kinky things, but what I want to know is: how do I be kinky?
Am I only being kinky when I’m doing kinky things? Definitely not. I’m full kinky full time—it’s a central part of my identity, and I refuse to accept the premise that I can’t be fully kinky, fully myself, without a partner.
There we have it, I am kinky. I’ve looked within myself and discovered this part of my identity and have sought to understand it. Boom. Case closed.
So why the fuck don’t I feel kinky?
As I continue my kinky singleness I am becoming increasingly tempted to start looking for a partner to do all the kinky things with—I mean, one can only fuck themselves so many times. My dildo and toy collection, though impressive, can’t compete with the feeling of intimacy when being kinky with another human.
I crave intimacy, sure, but I also know that a healthy part of my current journey is learning ways to identify and meet my needs alone. I’m frustrated right now because I want to feel like a “true” kinkster and I haven’t been successful, yet, I don’t have as much interest in a lot of my kinks when I think about them in the context of being single.
I want to discover ways to feed this part of my soul while single. Maybe I’ll be able to share a list of success stories soon. Maybe I’ll never figure out how, and later on in desperate frustration I’ll dive into yet another ill-fated relationship. My therapist assures me that this would not be a good thing, so I guess in the mean time I’ll just go fuck myself.
Living_Curious is a kinkster from New Hampshire who thinks too much and writes too little. You can find more of his stuff at TheLivingCurious.com or on Fetlife as Living_Curious.
