Guest post by Petra Hunter

Maybe you’ve dabbled in the lifestyle for years, or maybe you’re brand new to kink. Whatever your background, you’ve finally decided you’re ready to branch out and book a session with a professional Dominant. How exciting!

As a professional Dominatrix, I see a lot of first-timers… and I love it! There’s something so special and fulfilling about being chosen to help someone explore kink for the first time. My favorite compliment is being told I made someone feel comfortable and safe during their first session, and that their only regret was not booking sooner.

It can be scary to reach out to a Mistress for the first time, especially if you don’t know where to start. That’s where this blog comes in. From what to know before you book to ways to stand out as a client, I’ve made a detailed list of tips to consider before booking a professional Dominatrix for the first time.

Things to Know Upfront

It’s okay to be nervous.

I always laugh when new clients arrive at the dungeon and apologize for being nervous, because it’s nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for in the first place. It’s absolutely okay to get anxious before your first session! Even experienced players with 20+ years in kink still get nervous before sessions sometimes. Embrace your nerves rather than using drugs or alcohol to calm yourself before your trip to the dungeon. Most reputable Mistresses have strict rules against playing with intoxicated clients.

Know where to find us.

It’s almost impossible for sex workers to advertise in print these days, so your best bet is to start by searching online. In the United States, there aren’t many popular BDSM-centric ad platforms aside from Dickie Virgin, so a number of Dommes advertise on sites typically used by escorts, like Eros, Slixa, and Tryst. Many of us also work hard to make sure our websites have great SEO, which means we’re likely to appear when you use a search engine to find a Dominatrix in your area. Though many of us have a presence on social media, don’t message us on those platforms to initiate bookings: messages like that are typically violations of that platform’s Terms of Service and can get our accounts shut down.

Afraid of being scammed? Know what to look for.

Some first-timers are concerned they’ll send their private information and hard-earned money to someone who doesn’t exist at all. These anxieties leave folks hesitant to give out necessary screening information, leave a deposit, or even contact a professional in the first place. While there are, unfortunately, plenty of scammers using stolen photos of Mistresses in an attempt to make a quick buck, it’s pretty easy to weed them out if you know what to look for… especially if you already have some practice dodging fake play partners on FetLife!

Remember that as professional Dominants, we’ve chosen careers in an underground field with limited advertising options. To combat this, we craft well-written websites, pour thousands of dollars into professional photo shoots, and spend hours establishing a presence on multiple social media platforms. For some of us, our online paper trail even includes our own clip stores, options for online domination via phone or text, detailed blog entries, interviews, and podcast appearances.

If you have doubts about a Dominant’s authenticity, do a few minutes of simple research. If she claims she’s been a professional for seven years yet her website is bare-bones and uses the same four grainy photos over and over again, then something probably doesn’t add up, especially if you can’t find much about her anywhere else. If you’re still uncertain, it may be best to find a different Mistress. Every story I’ve heard from a client who’s been scammed has always started with, “I should have known better.” And frankly? They should have.

Know what you’re looking for.

You may not know the full extent of what you’re looking for just yet, especially if you’re brand new to kink. That’s perfectly okay: we love introducing folks to new things! That said, it’s important to have a basic idea of your kinks and fetishes to help us gauge our compatibility with you as a potential client. If you know you want to be spanked by a tall woman in leather, for example, tell us that from the beginning so you don’t show up to the dungeon only to find you’ve booked a short Domme who only owns latex. This is where a Mistress’ website and online presence can be especially helpful: we often use these platforms to showcase what you can expect from us.

Your first time may not be magical.

I say this not to dissuade you, but to be realistic. Sometimes the magic we all crave in intimate interactions like this isn’t there right away, or even at all.

This isn’t always the case, of course: you may instantly click with your Mistress and your first session may go even better than you hoped. In my experience, this is what happens more often than not, but it’s important to recognize that your first session may be awkward or a little disappointing. This may be the result of a miscommunication or your own nerves getting in the way of your enjoyment, or it could be that your chosen Dominant isn’t a good fit for you.

If you find yourself in that situation, know that it doesn’t mean you’re a bad client or that you’re not kinky. Sometimes two people aren’t a good match despite their best efforts, much like any other relationship. I’ve conducted the best session some folks have ever had and I’ve also given others their worst. I’m not a good fit for everyone, and that’s okay.

If you have a less-than-stellar session with a Dominatrix, I encourage you to keep experimenting before completely giving up on professional kink. One of my favorite clients started his kink journey by visiting three different Mistresses over the course of a few years. He had disappointing sessions each time and was almost ready to give up kink all together. He decided to give it one more chance and reached out to me. I blew his mind (& busted his balls!).

Booking Basics

You now know where to look for a Mistress and how to gauge her authenticity, and you’re also comfortable knowing your first time may not go as planned. What comes next?

Do your research.

Research the Dommes in your area to determine who may be the best fit for your interests. If you’re on the fence about booking someone, check her website for options to get to know her better. If a Dominatrix films clips, for example, buy a few to watch her in action. This can give you valuable insight into her personality and play style prior to booking.

Read our websites and pay close attention to the fine print. Some Dommes may only be available on certain days of the week or only before 7 PM. Some may have special requirements for new clients, like a two-hour session minimum. Respect our chosen honorifics, pronouns, and gender identities. We can always tell who did their research prior to reaching out versus who sent the same message to every Mistress in the area.

Keep a realistic budget in mind when researching who you’d like to play with. Your desired Mistress may be out of your budget, which means you need to know if you’re willing to save up to see her. Don’t haggle our rates or ask if we offer discounts. A number of factors determine how we price our sessions, but one reason it’s expensive to see a Dominatrix is because it’s expensive to be one: I maxed out four lines of credit to open my first dungeon and it took me years to climb out of that hole.

Submit screening information.

After you’ve picked the Domme of your choice, she’ll request information to gauge your compatibility. In addition to asking about your interests, she’ll ask for personal information like your real name and phone number. Some of us ask for other things, like a copy of your driver’s license or a link to your LinkedIn profile.

It can be intimidating to give this information to a stranger, but hesitancy to follow our screening protocol is a red flag for many Mistresses. As sex workers, we don’t have many legal protections in the event we’re robbed, assaulted, or raped on the job. We need to be confident in your identity before we agree to be alone in a room with you.

If you’re nervous about the screening process, remember that a large part of our job as professional kinksters involves being professional secret keepers. If we were ever loose with client information, word would get out that we weren’t trustworthy and our careers would be ruined. If you’re not comfortable telling us your real name, you’re not ready to book yet.

Be ready to deposit.

After your Dominatrix confirms she’d like to play with you, you’ll likely have to submit a nonrefundable deposit to secure your booking. The deposit amount and method varies per Dominant and counts toward your total session cost. More importantly, it provides assurance you’re committed to actually showing up.

Follow every step of your Domme’s deposit instructions, especially when it comes to any notes sent with it: writing “I can’t wait to be your little slut!” on a payment app may result in her account getting flagged and shut down. If you’d prefer to pay in full when you make your deposit, message your Domme first to make sure she’ll allow it. Some won’t mind but others, like me, only accept payment in full ahead of time if it’s cash.

Ways to Stand Out

Congratulations! You’ve left your deposit and have officially secured your first session with a professional Dominatrix. Read below for ways to stand out as a client.

Cancelling? Respect our time.

Maybe you got called away on a sudden work trip, got sick, or simply realized you’re not quite ready to visit a Domme just yet. Regardless of why you need to cancel or reschedule, tell us as soon as possible so we can make adjustments as necessary. We make personal and professional decisions based on your commitment, and failure to notify us in a timely manner is rude, selfish, and genuinely rage-inducing.

Every Domme has her own cancellation and rescheduling policy, so read it prior to booking and ask questions if necessary. If you have to cancel, submit the remainder of your session fee via the payment app of her choice to show you respect her time.

Bathe beforehand.

You wouldn’t show up to a first date or job interview directly after an hour on the treadmill, so treat your session the same way. Shower beforehand if you’re able, especially if you have a naturally strong body odor or tend to sweat a lot. If you can’t shower on your own time, ask your Mistress if you can rinse off at the dungeon prior to play. Wear deodorant, brush your teeth, and use mouthwash, but try to avoid using strong colognes: your Domme may be sensitive to artificial fragrances.

If you’d like anything to go up your ass, be it a plug, a fist, or a knob of peeled ginger, give yourself an enema, even if you think you’re already clean. Do plenty of research beforehand, because an enema done incorrectly can make things messier than when you started. You’re not trying to induce a bowel movement thanks to constipation, you’re trying to clean out your butthole.

Surprise us with a tip or gift.

This isn’t mandatory, of course, but the best way to get on a Domme’s good side from the start is to show up with an unexpected surprise, be it a cash tip or a physical gift. It takes a lot of time, money, and personal sacrifice to be a Dominatrix, and nothing makes us swoon more than clients who show they appreciate our efforts.

If you’d like to show up with a physical gift for your Mistress, read over her website to make sure you’re making an informed choice.  An expensive bottle of red wine won’t go over well with a Mistress who doesn’t drink.

You can still surprise your Mistress with a token of your appreciation even if you’re short on disposable income. Some of my favorite gifts from clients include about $2 in canned cat food for the stray that hung around my first dungeon, art made just for me (I’m lookin’ at you, Bad Baby!), and handwritten letters expressing how excited they are to play with me.

And that’s all there is to it! I hope this list gave you a great starting place for finding your first Dominatrix, and I hope your first time with a professional is just as magical as you hoped. Good luck!

Mistress Petra Hunter is a professional Dominatrix in Dallas, Texas. She’s played professionally online since 2011 and in person at her private dungeon since 2016. She loves mockumentaries, making friends with stray cats, and a tightly-laced corset. She can be found on her site at petrahunter.com.