When it comes to sex toys, I’ve always been drawn to the unconventional. While I think toys are fun, I tend to get more turned on by household items, such as electric toothbrushes, showerheads, and hairbrushes, because it feels dirtier (and therefore, more fun) to get off with things that aren’t “supposed” to be sex toys. My attitude tends to be, when the electric toothbrush exists and only costs $20, why would I bother with anything else? Not to mention, I recently moved in with one of my partners who has generously allowed me to experience the magic of the Hitachi, which has set my expectations so high that I think anything else would pale in comparison.
While a lot of people in my life find a lot of pleasure in a variety of toys, I tend to stick to the same two toys (or, objects I make into toys) on rotation. However, when my partner texted me images of this bad boy by John Thomas Toys, I found myself excited about a dildo for the first time in ages, simply because of how delightfully uncomfortable it looks.
I knew I had to have it, which is especially out of character, as I rarely crave penetration while I’m masturbating. While I understand the appeal of realistic looking dildos, they tend to bore me because I find myself comparing it to a flesh-and-blood dick. If I’m going to get a dildo, I want it to look like something that could never fuck me in real life, which is why I find myself attracted to companies like Monster Cocks and Hankey’s Toys. While I love products by these companies, they don’t usually seem different enough from a real dick to justify how expensive they are. What was different about the Woody dildo was that it could seemingly accomplish something that no real (or realistic) dick ever could—it could cause discomfort.
My partner Dick, who was equally as excited at the idea of shoving silicone spikes inside of me, ordered it the same day as he came across it online, and it came in the mail only a few days later. Surprisingly, it even came with a pack of four Ferrero Rochers, along with a velvet drawstring bag for storing the toy.
We went with the one that’s 9” and medium firmness, which was the hardest option available. We were expecting 9” to be massive for me, but in retrospect, I wish I would have chosen the 12” option. This one fit perfectly inside of me after I was thoroughly turned on, but for the sake of discomfort, I wish it could have been slightly too big for me, as well as more firm. The spikes (or are they thorns?) were definitely uncomfortable, but I was hoping they would give a bit more of a scraping sensation.
Description: The John Thomas WOODY Dildo resting on a fuzzy blanket.
I expected the sensation to start out uncomfortable and become increasingly pleasurable, but in reality, I found the opposite to be true. For me, the texture of the spikes felt amazing at first, like a bunch of pressure rubbing around on twenty different places in my vagina, and after about five minutes of getting fucked, that pressure grew a bit abrasive and made the points of pressure tender, which is more so what I’m after.
After less than ten minutes of getting fucked with this toy, I was the wettest I’ve ever been while taking a dildo. Actually, wet is an understatement—I gushed like a fucking waterfall thanks to this toy. I’m not sure if the spikes sort of collected all of my wetness and made it look like I was much more aroused than usual, or if the toy itself made me produce an insane amount of lubricant, but one of my favorite things about the toy is that after only a small amount of time it made me leak all over our bed sheets. When Dick was finished fucking me with it, after probably 30-40 minutes, he gave a beautiful expression of fascination and arousal as fluid gushed out of me and covered our sheets. I tend to get very wet, but this was on another level.
Description: The John Thomas WOODY Dildo in a hand for scale. Note: Gwen has small hands.
As far as practicality, my partner found the WOODY relatively easy to fuck me with. He simply gripped it at the base of the balls, and it was pretty easy to rapidly fuck with. The dildo is compatible with Vac-U-Lock, which Dick says he would highly recommend if you’re planning on fucking someone with it. As previously mentioned, the dildo wasn’t quite firm enough to revel in my taste for discomfort, so we ended up sticking a kubaton in the base, which helped increase the firmness a bit, but a Vac-U-Lock handle would surely have been more effective. It should be noted that for me, discomfort equals pleasure, but if you’d prefer to feel the enjoyable sensations of the spikes without the discomfort, I think you would be happy with the toy as-is. Additionally, you could attach it to a harness, which I would love to test out in the future in order to further satisfy my hunger for getting fucked by a monster-person.
I felt like I wouldn’t be giving this toy a complete review unless I tried having Dick face fuck me with this thing, because I’m a huge fan of face fucking, especially when it entails a lot of gagging and vomiting. Therefore, one night I got situated on my knees in a tiny, dingy room in our basement, where Dick cuffed my wrists, attached some rope to the cuffs, and tied the other end of the rope to a hard point in the ceiling, leaving me in a pretty uncomfortable kneeling position with my arms bound over my head (major heart eyes). I started gagging on the toy almost as soon as he began face fucking me with it, as the thorns did an amazing job at triggering my gag reflex. While physical complications made it so I couldn’t stay in the position long enough to actually vomit, getting face fucked with it had my chest and thighs covered in a sheen of thick deep-throat spit, which I found incredibly satisfying. After a scene centered around gagging, drool, and vomit, it’s fun to feel like a little slug soaking in my own juices afterward. In my opinion, this toy is amazing for face fucking, but if you don’t want to gag or vomit, I would recommend going with a more realistic-looking dildo.
Despite my longing for there to be a firmer option for this toy, this was pretty easily fixed by putting a kubaton in the Vac-U-Lock hole, and it was still the best penetrative toy I’ve ever been fucked with. Sensation-wise, the spikes, as well as the bark-like texture that covers the shaft, did much more for me than a human penis could, and it had the perfect curvature to hit my g-spot which each thrust. What makes it even better (in my opinion) is that it was incredibly uncomfortable and gag-inducing to be face-fucked with it. This toy also hits on a lot of my kinks, like monster-fucking, discomfort, and being fucked painfully, which is relatively easy to achieve with it. This toy will surely stand out as a unique piece on your dildo shelf, and if you like weird sex toys as much as I do, you’ll probably want to keep this one close at hand.
John Thomas didn’t pay me to write this review—I just love this dildo and wanted to share it with the world!
