One of the most important aspects of BDSM is negotiation. Because of that, the idea of negotiating for the first time can seem very daunting, but it doesn’t have to be! Negotiation is a very useful tool when it comes to playing safe, but it can also help you achieve fun, sexy, and fulfilling scenes.
Why is it Important?
Although talking out every detail of an intimate encounter isn’t always expected for vanilla sex, negotiating is an essential part of engaging in kink and/or BDSM play. Making sure that you discuss the details of your play beforehand is very important, as many of the things we play with (either physically or mentally) can pose potential risks to you or your partner(s) if not carried out mindfully. Negotiation is essential for setting up boundaries, expressing desires, and shaping the way you want your kink experiences to look. Good negotiation can also serve to deepen your connection with your partner(s), as you can share parts of yourselves that you may normally not discuss anywhere else. Plus, it can be downright hot to hear your partner talk about all the things that turn them on and all dirty depraved things they want you to do to them.
Preparing for BDSM Negotiation
If you’re new to negotiating, it might be helpful to do a little work on your own before you talk to a partner. A great tool for pre-negotiation is a yes/no/maybe list, which is a big list of things that you do or do not want to do, as well as what you might be interested in trying. These lists are a great way to organize all of your thoughts in one place, and if both you and your partner fill one out, you can reference each other’s lists to see where your kinks align. One of our favorites is by our friend Bex, and it includes not only ideas for sex and play, but also the types of language you may or may not want to be used, as well as feelings that you may or may not want to play with.
Bringing a prepared list of ideas written out on paper to a negotiation is helpful, especially if you’re anxious about forgetting things, or just having the talk in general. Another thing you might want to do is make sure you have ample time allocated the first time you negotiate—preferably not in the few minutes before your first scene! Setting aside a specific chunk of time to talk will help, as it can be easy to get lost in excitement or forget important information if you’re planning to play soon.
Good Questions to Ask While Negotiating
As far as practical negotiation goes, we’ve gathered a list of specific questions to ask the first time we negotiate with a new partner.
What do you/don’t you want to do in our scene?
This is naturally the first question, as you’ll both want to know what kind of play you’re interested in getting up to! Take the time here to address your partner’s boundaries and limits when it comes to play. Here you also can discuss what kinds of toys you may want to use and whether or not you plan to engage in any sexual activity during the scene.
How do you want to feel?
This one is a bit more specific, where you can dig into the heart of how you want to feel during a scene. Some folks like to play in order to get into altered headspaces (sub or top space, puppy or little space, etc.) and it can help to know both what your partner wants to feel, and what gets them there. Some answers may look like: “I want to feel pleasure,” “I want to feel humiliated,” “I want to feel cherished,” “I want to feel dirty,” and so on.
Are there any physical conditions I should know about that may affect our play?
This question is also very important, especially if you’re playing in any physically straining way. Make sure you discuss potential injury or health issues that may be exacerbated during play, as well as any accommodation needs for disabilities. This is especially important when playing with bondage, as lots of rope or restricting materials may cause additional damage to already existing nerve problems.
Are there any triggers or trauma responses that may come up during play?
Asking about traumas can be a stressful topic, but you never have to divulge any more information than what’s relevant to the scenes you plan to play out. It’s important to let your partner know if there is anything you might play with that could potentially be triggering to you, and how to navigate around those topics respectfully and safely. Many people seek out BDSM to play with ideas or themes related to past traumas in their lives and find it to be a very valuable healing tool, and that’s totally okay! However, we always recommend waiting to play with these themes until you’ve built a sufficient trusting bond with a partner, as revisiting them before you are both ready could be potentially damaging.
Do you have any accommodation needs?
These could be anything from making sure you have water around in case you get dry mouth, to keeping sufficient pillows to prop you up while in a difficult bondage tie. This can also be what particular lubricants you want to use or any other relevant practical information.
What should we do if something goes wrong?
In the interest of being prepared, it’s worthwhile to talk about what to do for any potential mishaps. These may be simple things like having a first aid kit and bandages if you are doing knife play, or water if you’re playing with fire, but it can also include what to do if any mental distress comes up. It’s always better to have a plan and not need to use it than to have to figure it out in the heat of the moment.
What are your safewords?
Before you scene, it’s important to know the words or signals you can use in-scene to pause or stop if you need to. Most public spaces go by the green-yellow-red signals and there are tons of people who use these privately as well, but you can make up any safe words that serve you. When you use either the stoplight system or your own, be sure to establish what these mean specifically (as in, does yellow mean pause and check-in? Or just stop doing that one thing you’re doing and move on?) so you’re both on the same page. It may also be a good idea to arrange a nonverbal signal in case the bottom is gagged, or if they are someone who has a hard time using words once they get into a certain headspace. Some examples are having the bottom hold something and drop it as a sign to stop, a quick double-tap of the finger, or some other way of using hand signals. Make sure that during play, you both have a way to communicate, even when conditions might make it difficult to do so.
What do you need for aftercare?
Aftercare is a good thing to go over before you get into play so you can be ready to implement it afterward when you and/or your partner may be in too much of an altered headspace to ask for it. Sometimes it’s hard to know what we need ahead of time, and that’s okay too. As a general rule, we suggest water and snacks post-scene to regain some energy, and many folks enjoy cuddling or soft blankets. Some people may not need or desire aftercare, but it’s always good to ask anyway. This goes for both the bottom and the top!
While negotiating, it may be helpful to keep a notepad or Google Doc on hand so you can record information, especially if you’re playing with a partner that you’d like to continue playing with. It can serve as both a handy reference sheet as well as a living document for you to continue working on as you grow as partners and kinksters.
Before we wrap up, here are the answers to a couple of the most common negotiation questions we get:
Will Negotiation Make our Play Less Hot? Won’t it Take the Fun Out of it?
This question is something we have heard a lot and honestly the answer can depend from person to person. When it comes to us and other pervy kinksters we know, negotiation can actually be a big turn on, almost like kinky foreplay. Rolling out the details and starting to fantasize how our scenes might look can be really fun and good for building up anticipation. That said, some people feel that it can take some of the “surprise” out of play when you plan it out in detail. Fortunately there are many ways to negotiate in which you can keep some level of suspense while also talking about important things relating to safety and boundaries.
Do I Have to Negotiate Every Time?
When it comes to your first scene with someone, we will pretty much always say yes. But as things go on and you develop a relationship with someone, you may come up with shorthand, or perhaps decide what things you want to do that you can give general blanket consent for. Every relationship is different, so we can’t whether or not you should negotiate every time, but you should absolutely consider negotiating as often as possible, especially when trying out new things. Even if you are new to the kink community, you have probably heard at least once that “communication is key,” and we most certainly agree.
If you are new to kink and would like additional resources, we’d like to recommend episode 101 of the show, which is actually a recording of our dear friend Jack TPK’s BDSM 101 class. For additional reading, you might want to check out another post by Bex about Six Things To Remember When You’re Negotiating.
