I have (shockingly, perhaps) never really spoken at length on the podcast about my “radioactive spider bite,” the moment that inevitably lead to my being kinky (or at least lead to my realizing I always was). When I think about the development of my sexuality, I can definitely attribute some of my early fascinations to cartoons and anime. When I got a little older and found 4chan (yes, I was a dumb kid), it became a fascination with “alternative” hentai. Sure, there was vore and hucow everywhere, but my favorites were always the tentacles. Years later, here I am, and that’s why it now brings me so much joy to share my review of the Hankey’s Toys Taintacle.
When I was picking out what toys to review for Hankeys, of course I choose the Taintacle—that was a given. The hard part was simply deciding on the size, a matter I was much less sure about. Dick of course gave me the “helpful” encouragement “Go big or go home, duh!” And so I did; I got the “Large” (which is technically only the middle option of the three sizes) in the 75% soft silicone, and the good people over at Hankeys were kind enough to bless my Taintacle with a beautiful shade of deep purple.
I (unsuccessfully) struggled to contain my excitement until the day finally came… A box arrived at my door, and, damn, was it heavy. I tore into the package and nearly gasped when I saw them. The “Large,” my friends, is more then large. It’s HUGE. I know on the product page that it says 12″ long, but you never truly grasp just how large 12″ of semi-soft, tentacle-shaped dildo is until you see it with your own eyes. I might have committed the greatest sin in sex toy selection—one’s eyes being too big for one’s holes.
Taintacle by Hankey’s Toys standing up in a bathtub
Nevertheless, I am nothing if not dildoically fearless and was committed to trying this toy no matter how initially frightening it seemed. I am, after all, a big fan of girth, so I felt up to the challenge. The first time I gave it a go, I set to task with my ever-faithful assistant, Dick, lining up a series of progressively larger and larger dildos to work my way up. When we finally got to the Taintacle, I was feeling delightfully stretched already, and I came super hard. This one, friends, is a winner.
I have used the Taintacle on my own a bunch of times since then, and I would have to say that I love it. I am a big fan of the feeling of a tapered stretch, and this toy does that beautifully, along with some nice subtle texture from the suckers. I’ve only been able to take about a third of this dildo at a time, which feels like a shame, but my vagina is only so deep (curse those cartoon ladies). After reading more about the Taintacle, I gathered that the design was honestly more optimized for the anus, given its length and S-shaped body. I normally prefer a toy with more G-spot curve to it, but when it comes to big, stretching dildos like this, that’s really not that necessary.
Because of the weight (did I mention that it’s almost three pounds?), using it on my own is different from partnered use. It’s too heavy to really thrust for long enough for it to be pleasurable, but I have managed a sort of low-effort, jiggling technique, which is quite nice. Insertion of the Taintacle is made much easier by the 75% soft silicone, and I don’t think I would enjoy it if it were any more firm. Plus, the softness of it makes waggling the giant tentacle menacingly about that much more fun.
I asked Hankey’s to put a Vac-U-Hole on the base of the thing, on the off chance that I have a partner that is gutsy enough to be fucked by it, but I quickly realized that putting this toy on a strap-on would simply be impossible due to the weight. Maybe some day in the future I will have a harness with enough heft to hold it, but until then this thing is limited to manual use.
The Taintacle Attacks Lexi
Since my favorite way to use the Taintacle has been to be fucked with it by Dick, I figured I would ask him how he felt about that partnered experience.
How is it handling the Taintacle? Surprisingly easy, considering how wobbly it is just out in the open. I thought it was going to be really hard to control, but once it’s inserted to the depth that you were comfortable with, I found the size and texture both easy to grasp and control.
Do you like this toy? I love this toy. I’ve never been huge into the tentacle thing as far as personal fantasy goes, but getting to fuck someone and feel like a monster is hot as fuck.
And now for my personal pros/cons:
Pro:
- Gradual taper for a fulfilling stretch
- Light texturing
Con:
- So heavy and big that it’s a bit challenging to use solo
- ALL the dust sticks to it
Overall, I think the Taintacle is an excellent choice if you are looking to absolutely destroy your holes and feel like a hentai princess while doing it. I would caution anyone buying from Hankey’s Toys to look long and hard at the measurements of what one’s buying; err on the side of caution if you’re not sure. You can always buy a bigger toy later.
Thank you to Mr. Hankey’s Toys for providing me with this toy in exchange for an honest review! All links are affiliate links.
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