Opening up about sexual fantasies isn’t easy. Often, it can be challenging to admit your desires to yourself, let alone someone you care about who, in the worst case scenario, has the potential to reject you. Additionally, there could be other factors that might influence your ability to reveal your fantasies to your partner: safety, past trauma, shame, anxiety, kink compatibility… the list goes on. However, it’s important to be able to be vulnerable with your partner and express your sexual wants and needs. It might feel scary or embarrassing at first, but with some practice and preparation, sharing fantasies has the potential to deepen trust and intimacy in your relationship. Here are some tips to help you navigate communicating your desires in the most comfortable way possible.
1. Try to become aware of any past trauma that’s holding you back
A main reason people refrain from sharing sexual fantasies with their partners is because of fear of rejection. Maybe you’ve had a history of being kink-shamed, not being listened to, or shame from religious trauma or a strict upbringing. There are so many reasons that you might not even be aware of that contribute to a fear of communicating what you really want. If you’re presently in a trusting relationship, becoming aware of experiences from the past that aren’t relevant anymore might help you feel more safe in being vulnerable with your partner.
Personally, most of my fear around sharing fantasies relates to growing up in a religious environment where all forms of sex were shamed outside of marriage. When I become conscious of how these memories are affecting me, I usually use the strategy of thanking them for trying to protect me, while lovingly ensuring myself that I don’t need to be afraid of being shamed anymore. Additionally, if you have a kink-friendly therapist, you could bring up how your past trauma is affecting your ability to be vulnerable in the present, and they can assist you in working through fear in a healthy way.
2. Plan for what happens if your partner doesn’t want to participate
Going along with fear of rejection, there’s always a chance that your fantasy isn’t compatible with your partner. This can be disappointing if you wanted them to take part in it, but it doesn’t have to be crushing—in fact, there’s no need to take it personally at all. As long as you feel safe and have trust in your relationship, your partner should still make you feel supported in your fantasy even if they don’t physically want to take part in it with you. You should even make clear that there’s no pressure to act on the fantasy quickly, if ever, to avoid them feeling overwhelmed.
If your partner doesn’t share your fantasy, it doesn’t mean that any chance of living out your fantasy is exhausted. If you’re non-monogamous you might be able to find a play partner that is willing to take part in your fantasy, or you could hire a sex worker to help you achieve it. Additionally, even if your partner isn’t personally into your kink, they might still be willing to service top or bottom for you. There’s a huge variety of adult toys for women that simulate sexual fantasies, even things like tentacles that are impossible to do in real life. Even if you have to explore solo for the time being, it doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to engage with your kinks.
Sex toys are a great place to start when exploring new sexual fantasies.
3. Consider why you find your sexual fantasies hot
Simply telling your partner a kink or fantasy doesn’t necessarily give them the full picture of why it matters to you. They also might not see anything hot about it at face-value. This is why I always make sure to dig into the roots of why I find my fantasy hot before sharing it with my partner. We believe that this is one of the most valuable parts of Off the Cuffs—when people share why it is they’re into their kinks and fetishes, it usually creates greater acceptance and understanding, even for “edgier” subjects.
For example, if you tell your partner that being pegged would help you feel empowered and work through the ways you’re affected by toxic masculinity, they’re going to be much more likely to understand where you’re coming from compared to if you simply said that you wanted to be pegged. The reasons you’re into it don’t need to be heavy and emotional—as another example, explaining that you want to buy a life size sex doll because you really love the specific sensation of the material and because you’ve always had a doll fantasy might flip a switch for your partner and make them find your kink hot for the first time. In my experience, the more detail and background information you’re able to share with your partner, the better.
4. Write it out!
I always advocate for writing out your thoughts when you’re anxious or struggling to communicate effectively. This is something I practice in day-to-day life, but it can be particularly useful in sharing sexual fantasies. You could write something in essay-format about what the fantasy is, why you’re into it, and the ways in which you might want your partner to be involved, or you could even write an erotica that depicts your sexual dreams. In my experience this alleviates anxiety about not explaining something exactly how I want to or leaving something out. Also, putting in the effort to write about your fantasies will even further demonstrate how much it matters to you.
5. Softball your interests in casual conversation
This is a tip I learned from The Dildorks podcast: if something related to your fantasy happens to come up in a different context, you can softly pitch your interests to your partner to get a gauge for how they’re going to react. If your partner happens to mention something about, say, spanking, you could say something along the lines of, “have you ever thought about wanting to be spanked?” Sex and kink podcasts are also a great way to softball your interests: if you’re interested in roleplaying, you could say to your partner, “I recently listened to this podcast about vampire roleplays and I found it super interesting. Would you want to listen to it with me?” You could also bring up scenes from movies or other forms of media to see what your partner thinks of it before you fully explain your interests.
Word of caution, however—if you softball your interests to your partner and they don’t seem interested, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share them. Again, as long as you feel secure in your relationship and you trust your partner, you should be able to share your desires without feeling ashamed even if they don’t have the same fantasies as you.
In a secure dynamic, you should never have to feel ashamed to share sexual fantasies with your partner.
6. Be understanding with yourself and your partner
It can be a huge challenge not to take it personally or feel some level of embarrassment when your kinks aren’t compatible with your partner, but above all, the best tip I can give is to be understanding and empathetic. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable, especially when it comes to sex, and you should always be proud of yourself for owning your fantasies. Even if your partner doesn’t want to participate, having an open and honest conversation might increase your respect and trust for each other. You should also try to be aware of any pressure they might be feeling, and know that they probably want to make all of your desires come true—sometimes interests just don’t line up. No matter the outcome, creating an environment where you and your partner are able to share fantasies with each other is going to be vital for your relationship long-term, and you should be proud of yourself for creating that space.
Have you tried any of these strategies before? What’s worked for you in overcoming anxieties about sharing fantasies with your partner?
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This post is sponsored, but as always, all opinions are totally my own.
