It can be a big deal for a lot of folks to realize that they’re kinky. If you’re taking your first steps on your journey with kink, congratulations! It’s an exciting time, but you might find yourself overwhelmed by all that’s out there and what to do next. This is why I’ve written a guide that includes what I think are the most important foundations to set yourself up for an amazing sex and kink life.
Confront Potential Feelings of Shame
Realizing you have interests that are generally perceived as sexually deviant can understandably be accompanied by shame. Many of us are raised with the narrative (explicitly or not) that sex should not be pursued solely for pleasure, which suppresses any form of sexual expression that goes outside of what’s “normal.” We may have been punished or shamed for bringing up our desires in the past, which makes us feel like something is wrong with us for having kinks and fetishes. These feelings can be exacerbated by growing up with certain religions and strict ideologies, and you might find yourself in a double (or even triple) bind if you’re also coming to terms with things like sexuality and gender.
Depending on the emotions you’re confronting, you might want to consider looking for a kink-friendly therapist to help you through the process. Know that being kinky isn’t as abnormal as you might think, and that there are plenty of people out there who share the same interests as you. While it hasn’t been an easy process, kink has helped me face a lot of my shame head-on, and over time it’s even helped me to manage these feelings when they surface in everyday life.
Do Your Research
In my opinion, every form of BDSM play requires some level of education and/or skill. Kink often involves aspects of physical and mental vulnerability, and it’s important to be aware of the safety risks involved. If you’re interested in kinks like rope bondage, hypnosis, or impact, you’ll want to learn basic knowledge of these skills before you start playing with others. A huge part of kink takes place in the mind, and it’s important to learn about things like the mental effects of power exchange, drop, and aftercare. Knowing skills, basic kink lingo, and safety will set you up with greater confidence before playing with others, and you’ll be more likely to find people to play with if you can demonstrate that you know what you’re doing.
There are tons of fantastic kink education resources out there. Our podcast features people talking about a wide variety of kinks and fetishes, and some other great ones are The Dildorks and The Bedpost. These podcasts often include people in the community talking about their interests, and many episodes include education on how to get started playing with different kinks. There are also plenty of kink and BDSM books out there, and Reddit communities and forums exist for pretty much any kink or fetish you can think of.
Books on kink and sexuality are a great resource.
Get Some Equipment
I still remember how giddy I was when I received my first ever kink gear, which consisted of some rope and a cheap flogger. Funnily enough, I’ve mostly lost interest for these things, but simply owning kink toys was a very exciting prospect for me at first.
To start, I recommend buying toys without feeling pressure to invest a lot of money in them. There’s a good chance that your interests will evolve and change as you dive deeper into your relationship to kink, and it’s not necessary to have a huge toy collection in order to have a great time and discover more of your interests. If you’re totally new you might even be unsure of what you want to try, in which case you might want to try a BDSM starter kit. These types of kits tend to include a variety of things to try, such as cuffs, a blindfold, a collar and leash, and maybe an impact toy like a crop or a flogger.
It’s easy to find yourself hours deep in a rabbit hole of researching various kinky toys—there are so many unique shops out there that if you can think of a sensation you want, I’m sure there’s a sex toy that can make it happen. Some independent shops we’ve worked with in the past include Terrible Toyshop, Dark Nature Aesthetics, Sabersmyth, and Twilight Meadow Creations, but there really are toys out there for any aesthetic or purpose you can imagine.
Cuffs are a popular option for starting out in bondage.
Find Kinky Community
The easiest way to get involved in your local community is to attend a munch. A munch is a casual social gathering for people who are interested in kink and BDSM, typically in a public area like a bar or a restaurant. Usually, everyone is required to come wearing street clothes, so to the public, it doesn’t appear to have anything to do with kink. Munches create low-pressure environments to meet and socialize with like-minded people, and can help you get a sense for what your scene is like. Kink communities are also important to the vetting process, as they allow you to ask for references before playing with someone you don’t know very well. If you’re nervous about going to your local munch, we hold a small virtual munch every week that’s open to the public!
Fetlife is a popular option for meeting people, joining groups, and finding local events. Some people like to make kinky social media accounts to find like-minded kinky folks. For online or in-person events, I recommend searching the kink section of Eventbrite. Attending virtual or in-person classes is another great way to support sex educators, learn new skills, and potentially meet people all at the same time.
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There’s a whole world of kink and BDSM out there to explore, but I hope this guide makes it a little less overwhelming. There’s no one “right” way to learn and grow within BDSM, but by confronting shame, educating yourself, picking up some gear, and finding a community, you should be off on the right foot. Most importantly, remember that kink is personal to everyone, and following your intuition when it comes to how you want to go about it is usually the way to go.
This post was sponsored, but as always, all opinions are completely my own.
